Doug Johnson

Most of my Head for the Edge columns, updated and edited, can be found in my latest book. Buy it and I might be able to afford a nicer nursing home one day. Thank you.

A Secret Weapon - Niceness
Head for the Edge, May 2005

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

The power of being a nice person is rarely discussed in the literature, but it probably has a bigger impact on our effectiveness and job tenure than any technical or professional skill we might hone.

Off-handedly, an adjunct college professor I once had observed, “You will make mistakes on the job, so keep this in mind: People will forgive your mistakes if you are generally a nice person; they never forget them if you behave like an ass.” I think of his wisdom often.

Now before you start thinking, “There goes Johnson, setting himself up as another Gandhi or something,” I will admit upfront that being nice does not come naturally to me, especially at airline counters, during rush hours, or in situations with educators, parents or students who feel no particular need to be pleasant themselves. I am convinced that behaving well is learned, not genetic. And I continually look for those who can teach me the skills that make me a person with whom others like to work.

Here are some traits I admire in others and try to cultivate personally.

1. Having great listening skills.
This is tough for guys. (We are, after all, guys.) I can offer advice even before I know the dimension of the problem. But I know that hearing people out is sometimes even more important than being able to help. Harvey Mackay, a business columnist states:  “You’ll know you’ve attained your goal (of being a good listener) when you can utter two sentences in an hour-long conversation, and the other speaker thanks you for input and adds, ‘You always have so much to say!’” That’s my goal.

2. Being empathetic.
A former principal who had been a guidance counselor had this system for dealing with people who were upset. He would paraphrase their statements and ask if what he just said was what they meant until they would respond with, “Yes, that is exactly what I mean.” It was only then that he knew the other person was listening and there could be a conversation. Try it sometime – it works.

3. Assuming any request is possible.
I love people whose automatic response to an idea is “anything is possible.” Now the following conversation might involve the nitty-gritty details about while although that idea may be possible it may not be advisable or describe some of the implementation challenges. But I appreciate the positive attitude. (I also like being treated as though I have a functioning brain and being given the respect of a good explanation when something can’t be done. Citing “policy” does not qualify as a good explanation.)

4. Responding in a timely manner.
We coach our tech staff to always respond to e-mails and phone calls in as timely a manner as possible. Even if it is only to say, “I got your message and I will be there on  _________” or “I don’t know the answer to your problem, but I am working on it.” Putting off responding to people never makes things better, only worse.

5. Looking for the win/win solution.
This is still the best of Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” As he reminds us, a good course of action is never giving in or even compromising, but continuing to talk it over until both parties agree that the action is a “win.” Keep searching for the “third way.”  It is always there.

6. Giving the benefit of the doubt.
Library media specialists who give kids the benefit of the doubt have a special place in my heart. The response to the assertion “I brought the book back last week” should be a trip to stacks, not a dirty look. I’ve found too many books that somehow failed to get back checked in to suspect the veracity of any student.

7. Passing on compliments.
The teacher, the administrator or parent who lets me know when one of my staff did something nice for them puts the person offering the compliments on my list of nice people.

8. Analyzing before emoting.
I’ve found that a short temper has never worked in my favor – ever. In fact, when somebody gets me mad, they have “won.” Diligently practice the common definition of a diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing  - and then tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Being nice is not the same as being passive, being quiet, giving in or staying out of the way. You can still have your beliefs, opinions, and goals. In fact you must, especially as an advocate for your students. But please remember Dr. Angelou’s words that began this column. How we make children feel today will remembered when they become teachers, principals, school board members and taxpayers one day.